Why I Have No Future In Being A Conventional Female

This is sort of a gag post...;-P I'm partly just posting it to make myself laugh...All of it is true though.

Earlier, I posted a Facebook status about how I wish they would air more of the old Christmas specials such as, "A Year Without Santa Clause," or, "Jack Frost." I miss the classics. I've only seen them once this year. It seems as if every channel is flooded with these "romantic comedy" Christmas specials that I can't even bring myself to watch. It's all the same stuff, really. The plot line never changes. So that brings me to my first point...

1. I cannot stand chick flicks.
   
   
   I am seriously such a man when it comes to movies. My favorite movies are Shooter, V for Vendetta, and The Departed. I have absolutely no desire to watch movies such as, "Friends with Benefits," or "Something Borrowed." I just have no desire to watch anything remotely in the lines of chick flicks. Give me a bowl of popcorn and "Scarface," and I'll be a happy camper. ;)
   
   
   
   
2. I don't cook and I have no intentions on learning how.
   
   
   Today I felt like a grade A gourmet chef because I made myself....*da-da-da-da* steak and frozen peas. Legit. Oh, and I mean those tiny little steak filets you throw in a pan for 10 minutes. No broiling or any complicated crap. I'm so simple. If I could eat out of packages all day, this sounds awful, but I would...I just can't because I'm allergic to Citric Acid...*WAH* =[ (Probably God's way of saving me from eating such horrible processed foods everyday.)
   
   
   
   
3. I am not romantic.
   
   
   Well, I guess I shouldn't say I'm not romantic...I am sometimes...I guess just not as much as other females. I've never been the type to be able to surround my entire being around a man. I don't care how in love I am, or how captivated I am...I could never make them the center of my world. It's just not who I am. My ex fiance used to constantly complain about how I wasn't romantic enough. My response was just sort of..."Eh...I do what I can." I feel bad but...It's just not me. I show the person I'm with I care, and let them know why I care, I just might not do it every single day and make them my absolutely REASON for living like a lot of women do. *Props to all the independent women who can handle a relationship and their own lives, btw!* I know a lot of women have the ability to have a healthy relationship and their own lives, but most people I know seem to enthrall themselves into this romantic fairy tale dream of a relationship (that most of the time they don't even have), and they almost forget who they are. I just think too highly of myself to wrap my whole being around someone when there are so many important aspects to my life.
   
   
   
4. I don't like suburban parties. (Lia Sophia, Tupperware, Yankee Candle)...
   
   
   Maybe I shouldn't have used the word 'suburban,' since a lot of my friends who aren't the epitome of suburbia hold these parties...But it's just the gist I get when I go to those parties. I feel like basically what happens is, I get invited to these parties...Feel like I should go to support my friends...But then end up feeling hassled into buying at least one overpriced product that I'll probably never even use...And even if I DO use it, I could buy 5 more for the same price I paid for one at Wally World. I'd so rather be doing other things with my time. It's one of those catch 22s...(I usually love catch 22's). Like being a bridesmaid. It's such an honor to be asked, but you're really just going to go home with empty pockets later on.

So there ya have it. My list of reasons why I'll never be a conventional female...(And I'm totally okay with it.) :) I see absolutely nothing wrong with being conventional, since some parts of me really are! It's just not for me, and I thought I'd get a kick out of this if I read it in a few months or years.

My goal is to no longer be "thin." It is to be HEALTHY.

This is me. A little bit of background, I was big my whole life. Well, I wouldn't say big my WHOLE life, but I've always been overweight. In high school is when I started to get really big. My highest weight recorded at home was 257. I've lost 117 pounds. I am now 139-140 at 5'6". I am not writing this blog to sell you something, or to tell you my miraculous weight loss journey and blah blah...It's just a realization I've come to as of tonight.

Right now my eyes burn from exhaustion. All I want is to go to bed...But I feel like this is something that I need to write now, so that I don't wake up in the morning without it written in stone. I had two experiences today that really sort of threw me for a loop.

When I first started my journey, my goal was to be about 175. That's still considered overweight, but I thought I'd be content with it. Once I hit 175, my goal became 160. Once I hit 160, my goal became 150. Once I hit 150, my goal became lowered to 140. Now that I'm at 140, my goal is 130. I think I'm noticiinggggg a pattern hereeee. *Sarcasm* I've realized that lately I've fallen from what this is all about. My goal went from wanting to be HEALTHY into wanting to be thin. It didn't become about how I felt or looking good...It became about the shock factor. Nothing has been enough. I'm not as thin as HER, my stomach still isn't flat, I can go lower on my BMI, yadda yadda yadda. When in reality, it should be about NONE of these things. It should be about health. That's all that should matter. If I feel healthy and I'm in a healthy weight range, then that's all I should be paying attention to.

Lately, people have been making comments such as, "You're starting to look TOO thin, you need to stop losing weight." My mom even mentioned me looking a bit anorexic-ish. The sick part of it all is, I took them in as compliments. That's when I should have realized there was a problem...But it didn't hit me until tonight.

I'm a part of the community SparkPeople, and I've used them to advocate my weight loss a lot and to gain tons of support. So many men and women have given me support and encouraging words throughout everything. Then one lady posted a comment that may have been meant to be backhanded...Not quite sure. To be honest, I couldn't understand what she was saying. She was asking me to try out some "protein diet" she was on...(Which she lost no weight on, BTW), and then she said, "I love your after picture. I love the new curvy you." Curvy? CURVY? Did she say CURVY? As in curvacious? You would have thought she straight out called me fat. I took it so hard that I astonished myself. I had to keep reassuring myself that it wasn't what she meant...It couldn't POSSIBLY be what she meant...Me? Curvy? But I want to be THIN damnit! I didn't lose almost 120 pounds to be "curvy" I lost it to be THIN, like everyone else, like the girls I've envied since I was six years old looking at my pudgy thighs practicing certain ways to sit so that I'd appear thinner.

It got worse.

My mom came over and sat on the couch. I explained to her what happened. "Meaghan," she said, "She probably didn't mean curvy as in overweight. Curvy is a good thing. You're a busty girl. You can still be thin and curvy. It's not a bad thing. You're just voluptuous."

I started crying. It was an instant reaction. I didn't even think about it. She had just muttered another word that I knew I'd obsess over and construe into what it all meant to me: fat.

"I don't WANT to be voluptuous!," I screamed, "That's what people used to say to me when I was BIG as a nice way of telling me I'm fat!"

She started exclaiming that she never ever meant it in the way I was taking it and that she didn't think I'd be so sensitive.

"But Meaghan, why can't you see you're thin? Why can't you just look in the mirror and see that you're thin? Why do you need me to tell you that?"

I was just sobbing beyond words at this whole ridiculous (yes, as I've come down to earth now I do realize that it is, in fact, ridiculous), scenario. In my head there was no question that I had every right to be offended.

I ended up crying for a good half hour. I decided to hop in the shower since that's where I solve 99% of my life's problems. I started wondering where I went wrong...When did I start feeding off of every single comment someone else said to me? When did being healthy not become good enough?

I guess the reasoning behind me having such an intense desire to be considered thin, just comes from the fact that I've lived on the other side. I was never "overweight" or "just a little heavy", I was very very big. The issue was that I never saw it until now. It's not until now that I look at my before pictures that I realize how big I was. I knew I was hefty, but I was in denial. I guess my fear is that I'll reach a "healthy" weight, but still appear fat to the world. I need to separate fact from fiction and go with what's in front of me...Not what's created by fear, anxiety, or society even.

So from now on, it's not about being "thin." It's not about seeing my bones or wishing I was like someone else. It's about being healthy and happy. That sounds so cliche, but that really is what all of it should be about. I may never have a flat stomach, and I will never be thin as every single female on the planet (dur), but I will be healthy. If someone is to make a comment about me being curvy, then I should embrace it, not push it away. I need to learn to love my curves. If I'm at 139 and I still have curves, then I should get on my knees and thank God that he let me keep them after losing all of that weight.

So thank you, God, for letting me keep my curves. Thank you for seeking me through this cluster fuck of a time and helping me realize that it's not about what I see, what I hear, or everybody else...It's about health. Thank you for my health.

My Tattoos & What They Mean To Me

This was actually the first professional tattoo I got when I was 18 or 19 years old. To be honest, it was sort of a spur of the moment type deal. I went with my best friend Nicole and her sister, Jessica. I was so amazed when I got my first "legit" tattoo because I expected the pain to be horrible...Especially on my wrist. It wasn't at all, though. It was probably the least painful one I have. I got the stars just because I've always loved stars. I know a lot of people have star tattoos, but I really don't care. The guy who did it was awesome and til this day it's probably my favorite.

(Sorry for the bad quality of the following two pictures.) This is my most recent one. This one probably has the most meaning to it. I got it when I reached about 115 pounds lost. Of course with that much weight loss, comes stretch marks and things of that nature. My stomach was the only area that didn't really 'snap back' the way I wanted it to. I don't think I'll ever have the balls to get a tummy tuck or anything like that, so I wanted to do something for myself to make me appreciate that part of my body more. I wanted to be able to look at my stomach and see something positive. This was the most painful one I've gotten, and it's my fifth one. I really don't know how girls have huge ones on their ribs/stomachs, because it was just so incredibly painful. I'll never ever get a tattoo in that area again. It was actually supposed to be a tribal, but I thought it was pretty and asked the guy to redesign it so that it could go up my side. I paid way too much for it, and the people there weren't that friendly (The artist was, but not the front desk people), but I'm definitely happy with the results.

Annddd...*Drum roll please* I saved the worst for last. I got these babies when I was fourteen or fifteen. Of course they're homemade, and not the best homemade ones at that, but they're a huge part of me. I've had them for six or seven years now. So many people have suggested I get them filled in, cover them up, etc...And I probably very well should...But I don't think they will. Even though they're scraggly, unprofessional, and random...They're a part of me, and I've grown to love them. I guess it's like having a flaw and learning to love it. I've been stuck with them for so long, that they kind of grew on me. I remember when my parents found out about them they flipped shit. My dad called my mom and said, "Diana! Meaghan has a jailhouse tattoo!" My mom had no idea that "jailhouse" was slang for homemade, so she ended up freaking out thinking I went to a jail and got a tattoo (haha). Needless to say, they got over it...And even though they're not the best tattoos by any means, they're mine, a part of me, and I have no desire to change them.

There is, however, my fifth tattoo that I DO plan on getting covered up with any leftover Christmas money I get. While I was on my whole, "homemade tattoo" kick freshman year in high school, I gave myself a horrible butterfly on my upper thigh. That one I actually won't even take pictures of, lol. It's the only one I feel no attachment to, and want to get fixed ASAP.

Even though I'm still young, I'm pretty sure I'm done with tattoos. I love them, and I love when people have tons of them, but five is enough for me. I think it takes a certain girl to pull off tons of them, and I just don't think I'm her. I'm completely content with the ones I have...(Well, except for the butterfly...But hopefully that'll change soon.) I usually only date men with 20,30,40 tattoos, but when it comes to me, I'm satisfied with my number. Even if it's not a lot. :)

New Years Resolutions

Last year I surprisingly followed through with my resolution of losing over 100 pounds. I'm quite certain I was able to accomplish this by not setting some ridiculous unattainable goal that I wasn't even in the ball park of reaching. I simply told myself I was going to eat the foods I loved, and cut back. Seems pretty simple right? Well, walla, a year later and 100 pounds gone. All because I was rational with myself.

I see so many people making these goals that are hardly in their reach. I'm a dreamer, so of course I believe hardly anything is impossible, but I'm not naive to the fact that some things just probably are not going to happen. Whenever New Years rolls around, I see people who despise the gym dedicating themselves to going five times a week. I hear people who love fast food and soda like mwah, swear off it for a year. It's all fine and dandy for a week or two...But it's just not sustainable. I like to keep my goals within reach so I can actually attain them and feel accomplished at the end of the day. Throughout meeting this goal, I've grown to know myself and my limits a lot more, so I definitely think that's helping me with making my current New Years Resolutions. They're actually more like mini-goals.

• Resolution Numero Uno:
  Find a way to obtain more money for school.
  
  It's been a bitch for me to find any money for school. My family is middle class, so I can't really get any benefits. Last time I checked, my mom literally only made a grand over the FAFSA limit. They gave me a grant last year of 300 dollars. Thanks for covering a book and a T-shirt. *Rolls Eyes* I'm going to have to find a way to pursue my degree without grants. Scholarships are an option, but I'm leaning more towards loans. My mom would have to cosign since I'm under 25, and she's extremely leery about the whole loan option, but I need to get through school. I really don't want to work right now, I want to learn. I have such a passion for learning. I love every minute of it. I miss everything about school....Even the homework and dreaded BlackBoard. I have enough money in bonds to go for one class January 23rd, so I'm excited about that...I just need to find a way to get even more money to continue classes.

• Resolution Numero Dos
  Maintain the Weight Loss
  
  Believe it or not, I'm less worried about this goal. Everyone gets all hyped up about maintaining their weight after losing it like it's some new project they need to perfect. I guess it would be if I had of gone on one of those fad diets. Then again, I wouldn't have gotten this far. Luckily, I created a new lifestyle for myself, so I don't really have to change anything that I've been doing in the past two years to maintain the weight loss. I eat 1500 calories per day now, weigh in everyday, and just watch what I eat. With maintaining comes the same exact process except eating 200 calories more or so. A lot of people have the mentality of, "I lost the weight, pig out time!" I know that's not the case. I've created such a sustainable lifestyle for myself that there is not much I need to change in order to keep the weight off. That's definitely why they say it's all about lifestyle changes and not diets...Because you not only lose the weight at a consistent pace, but you keep it off afterwards. Not one bone in my body has any desire to go back to the way I was eating before, since I still allow myself to have anything I want. I still eat fast food, I still eat take out, I still eat greasy and sweet foods...I just monitor it.