My goal is to no longer be "thin." It is to be HEALTHY.

This is me. A little bit of background, I was big my whole life. Well, I wouldn't say big my WHOLE life, but I've always been overweight. In high school is when I started to get really big. My highest weight recorded at home was 257. I've lost 117 pounds. I am now 139-140 at 5'6". I am not writing this blog to sell you something, or to tell you my miraculous weight loss journey and blah blah...It's just a realization I've come to as of tonight.

Right now my eyes burn from exhaustion. All I want is to go to bed...But I feel like this is something that I need to write now, so that I don't wake up in the morning without it written in stone. I had two experiences today that really sort of threw me for a loop.

When I first started my journey, my goal was to be about 175. That's still considered overweight, but I thought I'd be content with it. Once I hit 175, my goal became 160. Once I hit 160, my goal became 150. Once I hit 150, my goal became lowered to 140. Now that I'm at 140, my goal is 130. I think I'm noticiinggggg a pattern hereeee. *Sarcasm* I've realized that lately I've fallen from what this is all about. My goal went from wanting to be HEALTHY into wanting to be thin. It didn't become about how I felt or looking good...It became about the shock factor. Nothing has been enough. I'm not as thin as HER, my stomach still isn't flat, I can go lower on my BMI, yadda yadda yadda. When in reality, it should be about NONE of these things. It should be about health. That's all that should matter. If I feel healthy and I'm in a healthy weight range, then that's all I should be paying attention to.

Lately, people have been making comments such as, "You're starting to look TOO thin, you need to stop losing weight." My mom even mentioned me looking a bit anorexic-ish. The sick part of it all is, I took them in as compliments. That's when I should have realized there was a problem...But it didn't hit me until tonight.

I'm a part of the community SparkPeople, and I've used them to advocate my weight loss a lot and to gain tons of support. So many men and women have given me support and encouraging words throughout everything. Then one lady posted a comment that may have been meant to be backhanded...Not quite sure. To be honest, I couldn't understand what she was saying. She was asking me to try out some "protein diet" she was on...(Which she lost no weight on, BTW), and then she said, "I love your after picture. I love the new curvy you." Curvy? CURVY? Did she say CURVY? As in curvacious? You would have thought she straight out called me fat. I took it so hard that I astonished myself. I had to keep reassuring myself that it wasn't what she meant...It couldn't POSSIBLY be what she meant...Me? Curvy? But I want to be THIN damnit! I didn't lose almost 120 pounds to be "curvy" I lost it to be THIN, like everyone else, like the girls I've envied since I was six years old looking at my pudgy thighs practicing certain ways to sit so that I'd appear thinner.

It got worse.

My mom came over and sat on the couch. I explained to her what happened. "Meaghan," she said, "She probably didn't mean curvy as in overweight. Curvy is a good thing. You're a busty girl. You can still be thin and curvy. It's not a bad thing. You're just voluptuous."

I started crying. It was an instant reaction. I didn't even think about it. She had just muttered another word that I knew I'd obsess over and construe into what it all meant to me: fat.

"I don't WANT to be voluptuous!," I screamed, "That's what people used to say to me when I was BIG as a nice way of telling me I'm fat!"

She started exclaiming that she never ever meant it in the way I was taking it and that she didn't think I'd be so sensitive.

"But Meaghan, why can't you see you're thin? Why can't you just look in the mirror and see that you're thin? Why do you need me to tell you that?"

I was just sobbing beyond words at this whole ridiculous (yes, as I've come down to earth now I do realize that it is, in fact, ridiculous), scenario. In my head there was no question that I had every right to be offended.

I ended up crying for a good half hour. I decided to hop in the shower since that's where I solve 99% of my life's problems. I started wondering where I went wrong...When did I start feeding off of every single comment someone else said to me? When did being healthy not become good enough?

I guess the reasoning behind me having such an intense desire to be considered thin, just comes from the fact that I've lived on the other side. I was never "overweight" or "just a little heavy", I was very very big. The issue was that I never saw it until now. It's not until now that I look at my before pictures that I realize how big I was. I knew I was hefty, but I was in denial. I guess my fear is that I'll reach a "healthy" weight, but still appear fat to the world. I need to separate fact from fiction and go with what's in front of me...Not what's created by fear, anxiety, or society even.

So from now on, it's not about being "thin." It's not about seeing my bones or wishing I was like someone else. It's about being healthy and happy. That sounds so cliche, but that really is what all of it should be about. I may never have a flat stomach, and I will never be thin as every single female on the planet (dur), but I will be healthy. If someone is to make a comment about me being curvy, then I should embrace it, not push it away. I need to learn to love my curves. If I'm at 139 and I still have curves, then I should get on my knees and thank God that he let me keep them after losing all of that weight.

So thank you, God, for letting me keep my curves. Thank you for seeking me through this cluster fuck of a time and helping me realize that it's not about what I see, what I hear, or everybody else...It's about health. Thank you for my health.